Bailey Mtn | 7 December 2012 --
When you're down there in the
Kalmiopsis Wilderness, make sure to be aware of the Kalmiopsis leprechauna, a
dwarfed hominid species that evolved in the deep nooks and crannies of the
Chetco and North Fork Smith watersheds.
They are descendants of lost
Irish sailors from before Lewis & Clark’s time and evolved to depend on
mostly moonshine and peridotite soil for sustenance. They had their own distillery operations
dating into the 1970s, but the USFS quietly shut them down.
 |
| Rarely photographed Kalmiopsis leprechauna in captivity |
Now the small groups of leprechauna still living in the Kalmiopsis depend on booze stolen from the area's few gold-miners, hikers, fishermen and horsemen. They stalk groups and at night
ransack camps quietly for whiskey and gold.
Anthropologists and linguists
studied the leprechauna into the early 20th century, but much research and
record was lost. They are a ferrell people that can be tamed, but only with
adequate whiskey. It is not uncommon for one leprechauna, who are on average
about 3.5' and 70 lbs, to consume a half gallon of Jim Beam (their whiskey of
choice) in one day.
Most leprechauna populations are
willing to make deals to stop harassing and stealing from groups. When
negotiating peace or passage with the leprechauna, make sure to be extremely
clear on appropriations of whiskey and to get all agreements in writing. Also,
try and make a deal for indefinite travel rights through their territory. Even
though this might demand what seem like obscene amounts of booze, it's worth
it; the leprechauna, while wild, keep to their word.
First and foremost remember, if you encounter the Kalmiopsis leprechauna, to
- Stay calm
- Get appropriated amounts of whiskey and agreed upon access rights in a written contract
- Take notes and contact the Kalmiopsis leprechauna Research Foundation
